You know that feeling you get when you’re about to sneeze?
Well I got it. While I had a hot chip in my mouth. While sharing a bowl of them, with a friend at a pub.
So I had to decide. Spit it out, or try to beat the sneeze with a quick swallow.
I went the swallow, because what’s the worst that could happen?
Then the worst happened.
The chip made it to the base of my throat. Then I sneezed and the chip flew up my throat, through my sinuses, and forced its way out of my nose.
This was no shoestring french fry either. It was so big and long it was basically a potato wedge.
And it came out of my face completely intact.
Then landed beside the bowl of hot chips, but my sneeze did cover the chips in a fine film of snot spray.
So what to do with the remaining chips?
In a previous and more naked situation, I’d decided never again to ingest any of my already expelled bodily fluids.
However, those chips had been barely touched by that snotty mist.
And I was hungry.
And I didn’t want to pay for another bowl of chips.
So I ate ‘em.
My friend saw the whole thing, was justifiably disgusted and when I refused to buy more chips he left.
Leaving me with the whole bowl to myself.
Which had been my plan all along.
I won’t be trying this trick again though.
It happened three weeks ago, and my nose still hurts so much that all I can fit through it at the moment are skittles.
Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian
Email me if you dare: firstname.lastname@example.org