They’re talking millions and billions while I’m trying to scrounge together enough dollars and cents for a coffee and a banana.
The only millions that interest me are the lotto jackpots, even though my chances of winning are lower than being eaten by a shark who’s wearing a sombrero and riding a jetski on a Tuesday, especially as I seldom buy a lotto ticket.
Regardless of the minuscule odds, winning the lotto is still my best chance of ever having a million, unless I can actually train a shark to ride a jetski.
Or teach the sharks to only eat people who ride jetskis.
Now that’d stop the shark cull.
So, I’ve had a brainwave that’ll make the 2014 budget far more understandable and interesting for us all.
Let’s make it into a home improvement show.
Now, most Australian families have a debt in the form of a mortgage that’s going to take decades to pay off.
However, by simply applying the Liberal Government’s whizz bang shiny new household budget, they’re going to knock out that debt and make this family mortgage-free in just a few slightly painful years.
Who wouldn’t be interested in that?
Based on the actual budget numbers, here’s what might happen to that family.
Defence spending is way up, so the house is going to be safe. Especially as it’s now surrounded by personalised electrified security fencing, land mines and a moat patrolled by the Australian Navy, whose sole mission is to keep out the neighbours.
Foreign aid is down, so that means no money for the shared fencing, and if the family is invited over for a barbecue, they certainly won’t be bringing a plate.
Public service jobs are being cut, there’s less money for local councils and getting sick is going to be a lot pricier, but school chaplains are getting heaps of cash.
So the family better be Catholic…and if anything goes wrong, or they get sick, their only option is to pray their way out of it.
University is going to cost more to attend and then pay off and there’s less help for young jobseekers, however, there is going to be a fair whack of cash for maternity leave. So instead of pushing all the kids to do well, just invest heavily in the girl child. Then get her into a high-paying job and turn her into a baby-making machine.
In terms of home furnishings, the family is going to have to sell off their art and book collections due to cuts to the arts, and the television is going to have less stations with funding to the ABC and SBS reduced.
All in order to add a couple of extra rooms for the ballerinas to get some shuteye between pliés, fag breaks and whatever else they do.
However, there is money for medical research meaning that in about twenty years, instead of needing a range of food to feed the household, all that will be required is one genetically modified super-sized mega-pumpkin. That should cure most diseases.
So, while the house may be paid off much sooner, the children may never be able to afford to move out, will probably be uneducated because the fees are too high and those who still have jobs may not ever be able to retire.
Unless the family was rich to start with.
Then they’ll be fine.
Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian.