Like instantly start sweating, dog won’t mind not being walked, go to the bottle shop and hide in the beer fridge hot.
Especially in the parts of Australia that are on fire.
In much of America, it’s ridiculously, outrageously freezing cold.
Like instantly turn your snot to icicles, don’t take off your gloves you might lose a finger, huddle around the heater and forget the rest of the world cold.
On the news earlier today, I even saw a bird get frozen. While in mid flight.
So what does it all mean? You know, in terms of the planet and stuff.
During the hottest days of summer I often overhear this:
‘How hot is it today?’ asks one.
‘I know. Bloody climate change,’ replies two.
Then during the coldest days of winter, it’s this:
‘How cold is it today?’ asks one.
‘I know. Bloody climate change. Definitely doesn’t exist,’ replies two.
Do you know what’s actually proved by a few really hot or cold days?
In terms of how the climate might be changing over time?
Anyone who says otherwise is an idiot. Unless they’re joking. Then they’re not funny, and they’re also an idiot.
The most terrifying thing is that people all over the world are saying on television and in newspapers that these extreme weather events are evidence of something.
Others are then hearing and reading this and thinking, ‘It is extremely hot/cold/wet/windy/humid/inclement today. They must be right.’
They’re not even a little bit right, but we believe them because humans are hard wired to be stupid. Our brains actually have trouble with logic and reasoning.
The way we learn stuff was developed thousands of years ago. You know, back when Madonna and Kylie Minogue and Johnny Depp were just starting out.
Back then there weren’t any books. Just like twenty years from now, there’s not going to be any books either.
So back in hunter-gather times, when the late show with David Letterman had first gone to air, and the local car manufacturing industry made money, we used to learn through stories and observation.
We’d see it, and then know it was true.
Which doesn’t work so well, when it comes to the more complicated stuff.
During the last few hundred years we have developed new brain abilities, and we do have the capacity to understand more complicated concepts, such as the fact that Madonna is 55 is Johnny Depp is 50, and a few hot/cold days doesn’t mean that the planet is about to melt/freeze.
It just takes a little bit of proper thinking, which a lot of people don’t want to do.
Scientists have suggested that the frequency and duration of extreme weather events is a result of climate change. However, to reach this conclusion you have to look at all the extreme weather events, all over the world, over a long period of time.
Not just go outside and comment on how uncomfortable it is, because you’re not dressed properly. With your options being to either tolerate that discomfort on your way to and from your car, or go inside and do something about it. Also, make sure you take a moment to post that comment to Facebook and Twitter.
So over 95 per cent of scientists reckon that climate change is a thing, and for me, more than 95 per cent of anything is more than enough. Despite what’s happening with the weather.
Say the less than five per cent are right and climate change isn’t happening. So we all produce less waste, use fewer resources and become environmentally friendly and stuff anyway, even though we didn’t need to save the planet. Well what’s so bad about that?
The air is cleaner, we’re all healthier, and there’s less rubbish. Oh no, who wants to live in that world? Well, I do.
However, if we do nothing about climate change and the scientists are right, well one benefit is that people who live nowhere near a coastline may soon have ocean front property.
Most people don’t believe in climate change for one simple reason. It’s far easier to believe that it’s not happening.
If climate change is a thing that we have to do something about, however, that’s all going to change.
Anyone on television or in a newspaper who’s telling us that it’s not happening is ignoring all the facts, apart from the fact that we like having lots of stuff.
And we listen to them, because it’s so much easier to do nothing.
So it’s hot/cold today isn’t?
Which proves nothing about climate change, and certainly doesn’t mean that it’s okay to continue doing nothing about it.
Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian. His debut comedy book about life on a FIFO mining site ‘Mining My Own Business’ is available now.